A little over 30 days

I have been very busy with personal things, but have been attending meetings regularly. I attended a meeting yesterday that I had not been to. It was interesting. They passed out penny’s to newcomers and there was a saying that went along with it, but I can’t recall it. It had something to do with freedom (liberty) and spirituality (in God we trust). I ended up taking a 30 day chip there but it was actually a key chain. They seemed to do things a little different at this meeting, but it was cool.

I took another 30 day chip at a meeting I regularly go to. I was presented with a regular chip (Red). People were very nice and congratulated me. Besides the newcomers I was the only chip taker. On guy remarked “dang I just lost 20 bucks!” insinuating that he thought I wouldn’t make it. Of course he was kidding (or at least I think he was).

I am back at work, but not sure for how long. It doesn’t really matter. I will be employed again.

David j

Goodbye letter

I actually wrote this on 1/24 at the behest of a counselor I was working with in my rehab. It started off very simple, but she made me redo it and this is what I came up with (verbatim)…

Dear Alcohol,

You suck elephant balls! I really have nothing to say to you. You have been a Fricken monkey since I was a kid. Just when I thought I could drink responsibly you made sure I was kicked in the head. I don’t have much resentment in me. I never have. But I hold a special place in my heart full of resentment especially for you. I will never make amends with you because all you do is cause hurt, pain and anguish. It is your nature. It is evident that you are full of turmoil and discontent for your history is lengthy and documented within every piece of historical that has been produced. Like religion you have been snaking around since the dawn of humans. You create havoc and anarchy wherever you go. Your motto is that you pride yourself on being the devils playground. Sometimes you kill people quickly. Other times you spitefully kill people slowly but assuredly. You really are cunning and merciless in your practices. Sometimes you romance people into thinking that you are good and healthy. “Take communion” it is “the blood of Christ”, “a glass or two of wine a day is healthy!” Your tentacles are far reaching across every culture and ethnicity. You are water’s evil cousin.

                I have had my battles with you. I never win. I would try and try to have a comfortable relationship with you but it always went sour. Nearly all bad things in my life have involved you. You have interfered with my relationships, my job, my education and my environment. You are a Fricken beast to be reckoned with. I have never truly felt good around you, it was always a false sense of euphoria.

                However, like David and Goliath I am getting my slingshot ready to take you down once and for all. I am using my resources that you have blinded me from. I am putting on my armor everyday and wielding my sword in your direction. Every day I am sober you become weaker. Every day you try to tempt me I do a body check to make sure I have my armor intact. Every day I read and study you I understand your motives better.

                I am powerless over my addiction, but ii have a higher power on my shoulders. You may have a few more tricks up your sleeves but there is one think you cant take away from me anymore. My ability to exploit my free will. My ability to choose to be a good person. My ability to be of service to someone in need who is still in battle with you. Although you have been faithful to me I refuse to be in a relationship with you anymore. I have a new love and her name is sobriety. She is honest, practices serenity and has agreed to be faithful as long as I am. I have committed to her my life with the blessing of her father my higher power.

May you dry up and burn in hell!

Sincerely,

David J

soooobryatea

In one of my meetings I learned that a person who had some time sober went out again. Not on alcohol but another drug. It did not surprise me. This person was cocky in his sobriety and he was one of two that I envisioned relapsing. The other one remain sober, or at least so he says. I kind of have a knack for it, mostly due to my training. The proverbial “it” being spotting potential relapses. This is, of course predicated by my own inability to forecast my own.  A very clean and sober addict once told me “if you get cocky in your sobriety its over. You will relapse mentally before you physically ingest something.”

I was reading another person’s blog today and it reassured my thoughts about why I journal. I journal for me to get it out of my head and could care less who reads it. I journal to practice thinking, writing and emotions. I write not for grammatical correctness (as evidence by my last sentence) but for emotional and mental integrity. Writing in a journal allows me to find my thoughts in a clear and concise manner and review and process them. 

When I journal, I am practicing.

David J

Group of drunks

Today’s reflection speaks of God and recognizing Him and His glory. I believe in God, but recognize Him by a different view. God=Group of Drunks. This is my higher power. This is a God that speaks my language, who knows and has lived my stories, and who does not judge me always telling me to “keep coming back”. Some might say this is trivial and just another bunch of malarkey, but I beg to differ. Everywhere I turn I see the signs of a God. The more I interact and engage, the more it becomes clear. I am an alcoholic and will be part of this fellowship until the end of my days. This is great news, for it is not only enlightening but relieving. My shoulders have lowered and my mind has stopped wondering and wandering. I have one of my big book studies tonight and even though I am physically ill with a cold I am very much looking forward to it.

I am a friend of Bill W.

David j

Dum Da Dum Dum

Valentine’s Day was busy for me yesterday. I had a doctor’s appointment (head shrinker), nice V-Day lunch with my wife, 1:1 session with my counselor and a few hours of intensive outpatient rehab services. In between all that I was able to build my traditional V-Day bags for the people in my house. Needless to say everyone was happy.

There were many things floating through my head yesterday do to varied topics I discussed with others. We discussed and processed everything from my lack of commitment to spirituality in recovery. I had no great epiphanies but rather continued knowledge building about myself and my recovery. By the end of the day I was ready for a Dum-Dum.

David j

Mental, Emotional and Physical Sobriety

I had a discussion today with a counselor regarding my ability to commit to things. In some respect I agreed with this counselor, but in other respects I disagree. I have been committed to many things such as marriage, being a father etc, but I recognize that my level of commitment has not always been 100%. I believe this idea of half ass commitment was what my counselor was referring to and as I said I am in agreement with this.

Nonetheless, I am wholeheartedly committing to my sobriety, my family and my marriage in that order. I realize that I need to be 100% committed as well as engaged in order for this stuff to work and maintain sobriety and steady positive relationships. I believe that one of the reasons I had a hard time with this in the past was due to my emotional immaturity which really bared itself over the last 5 years. Although I still disagree that I am a “man-child” I would agree that I have exhibit behaviors and mentalities consistent with immature and apathetic practices. However, I am learning to be more grown up in my engagement in AA. 

Not only am I practicing sobriety physically, but also mentally and emotionally as well. This is territory I have not ventured into in many years. One of the things I attribute to this lack of maturity is my thoughts about a sort of “mid-life” type crises or need to revel in my youthfulness. One thing that makes it hard for me to discard this youthfulness is my physical looks and attitude. If it were not for the grey in my beard I have been told that I look as though I am many years younger than I actually am. As with anything, there is good and bad to this observation. I would assure you the reader that I am anything but vain or egocentric. I am just presenting facts that have lead up to my drinking demise and legal/financial problems that seem to have plagued the last few years of my life. I take full responsibility for my actions and thinking regardless of the outcomes or what lies ahead.

David J 

Intellectualization

Today’s daily reflection talks about intellectualizing. I was very guilty of this for quite some time. I don’t do this anymore. When I first entered the halls of AA, my attitude was “good grief, another group that I have to be in” although I was not the facilitator this time. I have facilitated hundreds of groups of all different ages and topics, but had never been participant rather than practitioner. In some respects I was jaded about groups, which was mostly a direct manifestation of my burnout in the field. This attitude got me into trouble multiple times since my AA indoctrination. My rationalizing and intellectualizing did not serve me well in my dealings with my disease. (On a side note I am a firm believer that addiction is a disease regardless of what others may believe and that I am definitely addicted to alcohol.)   I had studied the brain both in my undergraduate and graduate training and had a grasp of the interworking of many areas such as biopsychology, neurosciences and psychopharmacology. However, I failed to be able to look outside the box when introspecting myself. Also, my firm belief that denial was a river in the Amazon held my thinking and rationalizing steadfast for some time.

After my last go around I nixed the idea that I could solve this problem of mine. I gave in, surrendered and admitted my powerlessness. I gave over everything to my higher power and have been reaping the benefits ever since.

David J