Cunning, Baffling, Powerful.

I have a new sobriety date. 3.9.14. I a had a lapse. I had 14 months of sobriety and my alcoholic mind told me I could drink again. I have a new sponsor that I did not call and reverted back to my old mentality of stinking thinking. I have no excuse. I was stressed. I needed to relax. There was an earthquake, flood and tornado... I could give all kinds of excuses. Bottom line is Im and alcoholic and this is what I do.

powerful share

I am grateful for my serenity and sobriety. I attended a meeting yesterday where a lady had shared that her adult son had committed suicide a few days earlier. He was an addict, but they were not sure if he was using as he had some sobriety prior to that. About a month I believe. The meeting progressed after the lady shared, but the subject seemed to veer from the third step to death of a loved one and how to cope without using. It was a deep but powerful meeting with a lot of emotions shared among the group. I did not share. I had to work hard at not wearing my therapist hat throughout the meeting. Thoughts of validating, empathizing and general “fixing” the problems were strong in my head, but somehow I managed to keep them at bay and just listened to peoples stories. I am grateful for all that I have and thankful that I continue to have sobriety. 

prayers

I am grateful for today. My sponsor has asked that I memorize a couple of lengthy prayers. I have started to memorize them. The first is the 3^rd step prayer. I have been attending a meeting about the 3^rd step so this should not be too hard as I have been reciting it for the past couple of months.

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always.

The other prayer to memorize is the “Set-Aside” prayer.

Dear God, please help me to set aside everything I think I know about myself, my disease, the big book, the 12 steps, the program, the fellowship, the people in the fellowship and all spiritual terms – especially you God so that I may have an open mind and a new experience with all these things. Please help me see the truth about all these things. Amen

meeting maker

I continue to be grateful that my obsession to drink has been lifted. A man next to me in a meeting last night had 44 years sobriety. Inspiring. The Big Book tells me that a man will drink again if given the opportunity and will be defenseless against the first drink. My experience thus far has told me (actually old timers) that when we stop going to meetings we go out. I have no plans to be defenseless nor stop going to meetings for I am in this for the long hall. Maybe one day I will be like my fellow meeting maker and get 44 years.

"Whatever you do DON'T DRINK!!!!" -fellow meeting maker advice.

release

I have surpassed 6 months of sobriety. I actually did this about a week and a half ago. I can’t say that it was a major milestone for me as I have done this before. However, it is a stepping stone for my journey. I continue to engage in my journey and am at the point where I am ready to give up my professional certification. The governing body that reviews and monitors my professional number decided a couple of years ago to take administrative actions due to a legal infraction unrelated to my profession. As it was I thought this was ridiculous, but understand that the governing body is more concerned about entity liability and money than anything else. The terms they gave me for my probationary period were so unrealistic that I got the point and after a self cost benefit analysis and some introspection I decided that it would be best if I surrender my number. I have neither regret nor resentment. I had decided a few years ago that I would not be pursuing things professionally that I was set up to. Some of this has to do with oversaturation of the field coupled with a bizarre governing body that at times is kooky. The rest of my reasoning is due to my loss of interest in the field. The idea that the governing body is made up of a group that wants to be “in control” of my life does not interest me but rather repels me. There is a shoulder sigh of relief for sure for me and most likely from them as well. I will focus on my rehabilitation and they will continue to focus on their bureaucratic and listless processes.   

I am grateful for everything and realize that I continue to have no power over everything. 

Humble

I'm working on my 4^th step. Searching and fearless moral inventory. I have made a list before and should probably revisit it. I am sure I have new resentments as well as old ones that it may be time to amend and or let go of. The daily reflection talks about being humble and removal of short comings. I am familiar with being humble for God. Having grown up around religion, this idea has been with me for a long time. However, in addiction one must ask daily for Him to remove our shortcomings daily in order to humble us.

William Shakespeare once wrote In peace there’s nothing so becomes a man as modest stillness and humility. IT is through God’s grace that we can achieve peace and our shortcomings be removed as they arise. 

grateful

I took a couple of days off meetings. My usual meetings are Monday-Thursday and Sunday. I took them off because I needed to spend time with my immediate family. My work schedule dictates 4 ten hour days per week and my community service is two days, which only leaves me Sunday to get things done and spend time with the family. I am grateful I am gainfully employed and have my family. I express this at meetings when I share my experiences, strength and hope. There seems to be a pattern emerging at some of the meetings I attend. In multiple instances I am noting men taking care of their wives who have cancer. They are very emotional about it, but seem to be staying sober.

One can really never tell if another is sober or not. I have been in many meetings next to someone who reeks of alcohol, but claims to have a lot of sobriety. I am not taking others inventory just noting how this process of staying sober works. As with any process there are flaws and people who are not completely honest with the program. I was one of those people for a while until I got the message and my obsession to drink was lifted. Ever since my obsession has been lifted little miracles continue to happen and I have no interest in hitting it again. I am grateful for my sobriety.  

“I am grateful for my sobriety”