My last drunk had landed me in
the hospital and I had felt broken the next morning. I believe that was the
lowest I have ever felt in my drinking and in my life. I wasn’t able to see
tomorrow and despair and self degradation followed me most of the morning until
the afternoon. I finally called someone who lifted me up. He shot me straight
and by the time I was done talking with him I was on my way home and planning
on going to a meeting after speaking with a few more people. I hit the meeting
and ironically enough it was an “as Bill sees it..” meeting. The topic was
tolerance. Although I was still in my self-wallowing I heard the message. I have
had two epiphany type instances in my life and this was the second one. It was
not a spiritual awakening, but rather a moment of clarity where I heard the
message that had been told to me many times. “You never have to take another
drink if you don’t want to.” This simple sentence woke my brain. I had heard
something similar before when someone said to me “David why don’t you just stop
drinking!” This was before I knew that I was an alcoholic, but I heard the
message for it started me on a 7 year sobriety path. But King Alcohol was ever
cunning and merciless and I went out again at the end of my stent. Sometimes I
refer to Alcohol as not a King but a jester that taunts and teases me.
In my rehab I had to write a “Goodbye Letter” to my drug of
choice. This happened to be alcohol. I thought to myself “this is simple” and
my letter was initially as follows:
Dear Alcohol,
Fuck you and I hope you burn in Hell!
Sincerely,
David
That was what I felt at the time and what I wanted to say.
However, my counselor made me be more specific. I told her that I should be
able to write what I want and that the letter I produced, though brief was a
direct reflection of my views about alcohol. She basically said stop with the
bullshit David and write a letter. So I did and it was something else. After I
shared it with the group the counselor said I should write more (meaning
professionally). At first I misunderstood and exclaimed “good grief I just
wrote a page and a half what more do you want?” The wise young addict next to me leaned
over and quietly noted “dude she means you should write more for others to read….you
know like professionally and shit.” These were clarifying words for me and I heard them. I will post my letter for all to read when I graduate the program
and receive all my stuff back. That’s all I got for today.
David J
No comments:
Post a Comment