powerful share

I am grateful for my serenity and sobriety. I attended a meeting yesterday where a lady had shared that her adult son had committed suicide a few days earlier. He was an addict, but they were not sure if he was using as he had some sobriety prior to that. About a month I believe. The meeting progressed after the lady shared, but the subject seemed to veer from the third step to death of a loved one and how to cope without using. It was a deep but powerful meeting with a lot of emotions shared among the group. I did not share. I had to work hard at not wearing my therapist hat throughout the meeting. Thoughts of validating, empathizing and general “fixing” the problems were strong in my head, but somehow I managed to keep them at bay and just listened to peoples stories. I am grateful for all that I have and thankful that I continue to have sobriety. 

prayers

I am grateful for today. My sponsor has asked that I memorize a couple of lengthy prayers. I have started to memorize them. The first is the 3^rd step prayer. I have been attending a meeting about the 3^rd step so this should not be too hard as I have been reciting it for the past couple of months.

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always.

The other prayer to memorize is the “Set-Aside” prayer.

Dear God, please help me to set aside everything I think I know about myself, my disease, the big book, the 12 steps, the program, the fellowship, the people in the fellowship and all spiritual terms – especially you God so that I may have an open mind and a new experience with all these things. Please help me see the truth about all these things. Amen

meeting maker

I continue to be grateful that my obsession to drink has been lifted. A man next to me in a meeting last night had 44 years sobriety. Inspiring. The Big Book tells me that a man will drink again if given the opportunity and will be defenseless against the first drink. My experience thus far has told me (actually old timers) that when we stop going to meetings we go out. I have no plans to be defenseless nor stop going to meetings for I am in this for the long hall. Maybe one day I will be like my fellow meeting maker and get 44 years.

"Whatever you do DON'T DRINK!!!!" -fellow meeting maker advice.

release

I have surpassed 6 months of sobriety. I actually did this about a week and a half ago. I can’t say that it was a major milestone for me as I have done this before. However, it is a stepping stone for my journey. I continue to engage in my journey and am at the point where I am ready to give up my professional certification. The governing body that reviews and monitors my professional number decided a couple of years ago to take administrative actions due to a legal infraction unrelated to my profession. As it was I thought this was ridiculous, but understand that the governing body is more concerned about entity liability and money than anything else. The terms they gave me for my probationary period were so unrealistic that I got the point and after a self cost benefit analysis and some introspection I decided that it would be best if I surrender my number. I have neither regret nor resentment. I had decided a few years ago that I would not be pursuing things professionally that I was set up to. Some of this has to do with oversaturation of the field coupled with a bizarre governing body that at times is kooky. The rest of my reasoning is due to my loss of interest in the field. The idea that the governing body is made up of a group that wants to be “in control” of my life does not interest me but rather repels me. There is a shoulder sigh of relief for sure for me and most likely from them as well. I will focus on my rehabilitation and they will continue to focus on their bureaucratic and listless processes.   

I am grateful for everything and realize that I continue to have no power over everything. 

Humble

I'm working on my 4^th step. Searching and fearless moral inventory. I have made a list before and should probably revisit it. I am sure I have new resentments as well as old ones that it may be time to amend and or let go of. The daily reflection talks about being humble and removal of short comings. I am familiar with being humble for God. Having grown up around religion, this idea has been with me for a long time. However, in addiction one must ask daily for Him to remove our shortcomings daily in order to humble us.

William Shakespeare once wrote In peace there’s nothing so becomes a man as modest stillness and humility. IT is through God’s grace that we can achieve peace and our shortcomings be removed as they arise. 

grateful

I took a couple of days off meetings. My usual meetings are Monday-Thursday and Sunday. I took them off because I needed to spend time with my immediate family. My work schedule dictates 4 ten hour days per week and my community service is two days, which only leaves me Sunday to get things done and spend time with the family. I am grateful I am gainfully employed and have my family. I express this at meetings when I share my experiences, strength and hope. There seems to be a pattern emerging at some of the meetings I attend. In multiple instances I am noting men taking care of their wives who have cancer. They are very emotional about it, but seem to be staying sober.

One can really never tell if another is sober or not. I have been in many meetings next to someone who reeks of alcohol, but claims to have a lot of sobriety. I am not taking others inventory just noting how this process of staying sober works. As with any process there are flaws and people who are not completely honest with the program. I was one of those people for a while until I got the message and my obsession to drink was lifted. Ever since my obsession has been lifted little miracles continue to happen and I have no interest in hitting it again. I am grateful for my sobriety.  

“I am grateful for my sobriety” 

Just Don't Partake!

A lot of things keep happening to me. Negative things. Out of nowhere financial problems arose. I was the last to know about employment problems that will be popping up next month. Rearrangement of schedules and such. The last two weeks have been a big shit sandwich and I have had to take a slice of humble pie for desert. I keep thinking about what another old timer alcoholic continues to tell me. “Just don’t drink. Whatever you do don’t drink and things will work out!” So far this guy has been right about everything. He is not my sponsor but rather an accountability partner who is providing service to me. He keeps telling me that his service towards me is helping him stay sober. Should something happen to my current sponsor I will surely approach this man to be my next one.

I have started my 4^th step again. I have been directed to be fearless and brutally honest in this moral inventory which is what I plan to do. I have also started to listen to Joe and Charlie again. Miracles continue to happen. Small miracles are how things go for me. Slow and steady wins the race and I am grateful for all that I have.   

“Whatever Happens Don’t Drink!”

12 and 12

Below is a 12 and 12 list that I believe and subscribe to daily…

12 Things that keep me sober:

1. Not drinking
2. Meetings
3. Reading the BB
4. Working the steps
5. Realizing I have no control
6. Relinquishing Control
7. Giving it to my Higher Power (Group Of Drunks)
8. Calling my sponsor
9. Calling another alcoholic
10. Being of service
11. Avoiding triggers
12. Processing triggers

12 Things I am grateful for:

1. My sobriety
2. My health
3. My Wife
4. My Children
5. My life
6. My relationships
7. My home
8. My employment
9. My family
10. My higher power
11. My sponsor
12. The Fellowship

ESH

My experience, strength and hope are such that at first for me drinking was a fun and social event. I was a weekend warrior in High School as well as the military afterwards. I was on hiatus for about 8 years when I started drinking again. I shared recently that I don’t remember when exactly I started up again, but this was before I realized I was not a “normi.”  It began again with a few drinks here and there and went to full blown binge drinking every so often. Things got pretty bad for me and I came into the program with a less than stellar attitude. After a few relapses I finally got “the message” and stopped drinking. It wasn’t until a few months ago that the obsession to drink was lifted from my mind. This is when the miracle started for me and they continue to happen. Small miracles are how things work for me as opposed to grand miracles. I am grateful. 

Give it away now.....

A struggle is not a struggle unless there is suffering of some sorts. This may seem obvious, but sometimes it helps me process when I write things out. I have not struggled with the obsession in a few months, but I seem to be suffering from a bit of symptoms associated with post acute withdrawal. I have been a bit irritable and bitter towards others. I am not portraying anything that would require amends, just a bit cranky.

I am grateful for what I have and how I am currently living my life. My gratitude has latitude and I could take up this entire page with a list, but will not. I am working my program to the best of my abilities and continue to attend 5-7 meetings a week. I am working through my responsibilities and ensuring that I am keeping up with life on life’s terms. I am about to start my 4^th step again and although I have not made a commitment, I continue to try and be of service where I can.

Give it away

Give it away

Give it away

Give it away

Give it away

Give it away

Give it away now….

-RHCP

Step 4 again

I continue on my journey of sobriety without the obsession to drink. I have spoken with my sponsor and he has indicated that I need to start my fourth step again. I looked over my old fourth step. It was laid out similar but by no means how I plan to go about this fourth step. My last step experience was in a group setting and although I was comfortable enough to share with others in this type of milieu I do not plan on replicating this in favor of a one to one discussion.

Things continue to go my way as I continue to give everything over to my Higher Power. I can’t explain this only that it is working in my favor and every roadblock is met with positive outcomes. I believe if I was drinking that this may not be the case.

My experience strength and hope continue to guide me as I share and listen with open ears at every meeting. There are no marginal efforts that come out of me. I am all in. 

ESH

Things continue to get better for me the more sobriety I achieve. Through the Grace of God I continue to work, have a family and breathe. I do not have any inclining to drink as the obsession to drink has been lifted from me by my Higher Power. My sponsor and other ex-problem drinkers continue to provide support and encouragement which helps me through my days. I work very long days and as I continue to share at meetings, “working all day is sometimes like eating my vegetables and coming to meetings is like having desert”.

Or sometimes I share that “at first I had fun with alcohol and it was great, but then it got shitty. I came into the program a few years ago and at first it continued to be shitty. But when I got the message it got fun and great.” I don’t always share my experience, strength and hope at every meeting, but I do share. I am trying to listen and hear in addition to sharing. I want what the old timers have and am willing to do anything to get it.   

P before p

It has been a minute since I posted last. I have been steadily working my recovery. Many times in the groups I can "see" people in various ways. Many times I see leaders, politicians, authors etc..

I see people not for their common ground they share with me but with their uncommon ground masked by their disease of alcoholism. It is unfortunate that I see people in this manner. I see what they could have become were it not for their personalities becoming twisted and agree to fight with King Alcohol.

I am one of them. I am a part of this fellowship that is to place principles before personality. Even though my obsession to drink has been lifted I continue to work on my emotional and psychological sobriety. It helps me right now to hear from those with a lot of days. I continue to get the wisdom engulfed by the message. I continue to not drink. I continue to attend meetings. I continue to talk with my sponsor and other alcoholics. I continue to attend book studies and work through steps. And things just keep getting better. I sometimes come across people who are basically miserable in sobriety, but I continue to give them my standard nod and small smile without validating or reacting to them. I continue to give and take from experiences, strengths and hope. I have no grey nor pink vision but rather iridescence and I am 1/3rd into a years worth of experience. Hopefully, with my Higher Power driving I will be able to make it through this Grand Prix.

1. Principles   
2. Personalities 

90 days and more than 90 meetings

Yesterday I was able to claim 90 days but am waiting for my home group to take my chip. My home group is on Thursday so I will have to wait. However, my sponsor told me congratulations. I have more meetings than I have days sober at this point. I will continue to go to as many meetings as possible, but will most likely not be so diligent about tracking them at least until my classes kick in. I was keeping track of my meetings on rehab cards from when I went through it. I still go to aftercare once a week. I learned a lot out of rehab and was given a different perspective. Although I had a relapse in rehab I am glad I went through the program. It was an experience that I will never forget and am ever grateful for.

I feel the same way about the fellowship. I continue to take in others' stories and learn from them. I listen and take in everything from people who only have a few days to decades of sobriety. Admittedly it was a struggle at first. Actually it has been a struggle for me for the last few years. Yet I am able to reflect, report and rely on faith in my higher power that continues to be educational. 

I read in the paper that a celebrity movie critique recently passed. I had known that he was in the program, but did not follow his sobriety. Also, recently a very established local member passed away that is affecting the community a lot. Within about a 30 mile radius I can not go to different meetings without someone talking or sharing about their experiences with the alcoholic that recently passed. I had interacted with him a little, but did not have an established relationship with this man. I was able to take away some words of wisdom that he used to share....

"If your tired of gettin what your gettin, stop doin what your doin!" -RR