Serene scene

I went to a study group yesterday. It is one that I really enjoy. I will describe it now.

Thankfully I am able to get a ride to my Sunday study group both to and from. My ride dutifully showed up on time and we headed off to the group. We arrived early to the group which is located in the downstairs area of a resort/retreat. The resort is over a century old and encompasses a large acreage area. The area has a rather large gardening plot with everything from vegetables to fruit trees. In addition to the spa services it also holds a greenery labyrinth and a new age type church that rents a portion of the grounds. The portion of the grounds that the new age church rents is where the meeting is and on the way up from the driveway one can smell the stark flowers in bloom, specifically I believe it was the lilacs that enriched my senses yesterday. The meeting is held in a building set against a small set of mountains within a stone’s through of thick shrubbery and trees that are very green this time of year. The building itself is in the Mission tradition sporting pale pinkish and light aqua trimming and roofing. The building has a full dining room and kitchen area the size of a small resort and can hold roughly 100 people for feeding. There is a retreat area above the lower rooms where we have our meeting. The retreat area is filled with lounge chairs and an oversized couch in front of a enormous round rock covered fireplace that, I was told was built by Native American Indians. The windows throughout the building are historic sporting tempered glass and wooden frames opening outward without screens. I always remark to myself that I would hate to have to clean all the windows or more so replace them should they break. All sides of the multi-sided building are covered with these windows so much so that I also often wonder what the heck is holding up the building.

The actual study meeting is small and quaint usually sitting around one 8’x4’ rectangular table. There is Captains Chair’s at each end which is kind of offsetting considering the table is one of those plastic ones that easily folds up which we do every meeting and put away the chairs as well. In addition, there is coffee available every meeting and good camaraderie along with fellowship afterwards if anyone is interested. I am grateful to have such a fine place to meet with those who continue to help me in my recovery.
David j

Correction

So I just want to thank another alcoholic for pointing out to me that I need to edit and be more aware of this blog. In realizing this I went back and edited every post thus far and put in a disclaimer on the side. I may be newer in my sobriety, but I really believe that my life was saved. Being aware is something I sometimes mistakenly forget about. This comes from years of subscribing to the view that I just do not care what others think about me. In the words of the great sailor philosopher “I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam.” Granted, I am by no means perfect. In fact I am far from perfect, which I think is right where I need to be to survive. I currently am as honest as I can be, do not hold resentments towards others and am quick to mind my own business when coming across difficult situations. I am as good a person as I am able to be. I wasn’t always this way, but I am today and have been since the beginning of this year with a lot of effort, faith and hope.

It is true that I often suffer from absent minded professor syndrome. I inadvertently misrepresented this blog for a sort of self meeting which it’s not. This blog is just that, namely an online journal of my thoughts and dealings with my issues as someone who has problems with alcohol. I will continue to journal here without reference to my village of support as much as possible. If I do reference something I will make anonymity my focus. I will also continue to share my experiences outside of this blog to include how it was for me, what happened and how it is now. The prior sentence is not for this blog, but may occasionally show up. As I continue to attend meetings daily (I believe I have more meetings than days sober somehow) I will continue to share what I am supposed to in the manner I am supposed to. However, my journalistic main emphasis here is not repetition but rather new experiences through my own glasses.

David J  

  

How do things work?

I’m not sure how things happen in this world. Another alcoholic said I was the victim of a miracle. He may be correct. A couple of weeks ago my work concluded that I was no longer able to hold my position due to my professional license being suspended for a couple of months. It’s a long story and I won’t bother with details. Suffice it to say, when my work notified me that they were going to let me go, I dutifully typed up a resignation letter after some careful thought. Also, I did not go drink when my work initiated the instance. I would have either got drunk on the way home or went to a bar. Funny thing is I didn’t even think about drinking. I believe I remarked about this in an earlier post. I did share this at a meeting and one woman indicated that my obsession to drink seems to have been lifted. I agreed.

At any rate, somehow I was able to stay employed. Somehow I was able to accept a demotion and move into a different position within my company. As one who has studied public policy at the graduate level I can assure the reader that policy in the public realm is never modified to fit a staff member needs.  The situation is always in reverse, meaning that staff fit themselves to policy and if they don’t like it they can leave. This is the way public bureaucracies work. I was all set to lose my position and find another job. Well as I said I was given the opportunity to demote to a position that I had never held before (a prerequisite for a demotion is that you must have held the position before as per regulations). So now I am in the direct employ of a manager (as opposed to a line supervisor), making a little bit less money, working a bit more hours per 4 day work week and keeping my benefits (which was my main concern considering I have a family). The kicker is that my new position is that of a registered addiction specialist. 

It seems that fate has a sense of irony. All this is the miracle. After sharing this information with another alcoholic he exclaimed “you have to share this at a meeting. It will give others hope!” So I reluctantly shared it at a meeting (I am sometimes a bit superstitious) and everyone was pleased. Again the irony was the topic…financial insecurity.

David J 

60 days sober

It looks as if I have not written here in a week. I have a lot to say today so be forewarned. I took my 60 day chip last week at my home group. I did not have too much to share prior to taking the chip. At my home group it is customary to take chips at the end of the meeting unless a birthday is being celebrated (a sobriety not bellybutton birthday). I am happy with myself and was humbled with the fact that I was taking clean chip.

I have been thinking about myself lately. I am coming to the conclusion about some things, mainly about how I think. I find that I am more comfortable around people who are addicts or suffer from some form of mental health issues. I did not used to be this way, or maybe I was I just did not know it. I find that I cannot relate to normal people or “normies” as we alcoholics sometimes categorize those who can drink like regular folk. I am also finding it difficult to talk with other people beside my immediate family. Even some of my extended family I am not able to talk, relate to or even have what might be considered a normal relationship with them. As I look back I have always struggled with social relationships no matter how good I present in one. This is a fact. This is also a complicated issue.

For many years I dealt with people in a professional manner in a rather intimate relationship whereby talking and processing was part of the job. It’s my opinion that I was pretty good at the job. I never was fired nor had any complaints against me (that I am aware of). Granted I was often challenged by others and until I found my happy medium within the profession, I was searching often on how to be a perfectionist within my work. Although I am a perfectionist and have been for a long time, it is very difficult to be one in a field plagued by imperfection and shades of grey rather than black and white issues.

All this to say, I am becoming more comfortable being around and holding relationships with people who are more like me. I am also noticing that people act differently in different meetings. Thank goodness I thought I was the only one.

David j

Been a while...

It seems as though I have not posted in almost a week. I have been attending meetings daily, but my days are full from sun up to sun down and by the time I get home I am pretty tired. It will probably be exacerbated by the time change. As I approach 60 days I am grateful for my sobriety and the journey I have taken thus far. I continue to reflect daily and meditate briefly on the daily reflections. I continue to read and participate in big book study and other meetings and just recently met with my sponsor. It seems that he may have been struggling a bit as to how to help me considering I am doing well in my recovery. We had a good conversation and I was happy that we shared some commonality. Although my story is not really similar to my sponsors it is different in many respects as it should be for I am my own person. I can relate to some of the stories in the book and also when others share about their experiences. I relate to both the new-comers and the old-timers. I am progressing in my recovery while me alcoholism seems to be regressing.

David j  

Generation x

The Daily Reflection deals with patience. I have not always been a very patient person. When I was a young lad up until I was 18 I was very impatient. I was and still am generation x. Immediate gratification has been part of my thought process since I as far back as I can remember. It’s one of the reasons I was a hard liquor drinker. I wanted the buzz quick fast in a hurry. Alcoholism wrecked my patience. It basically reinforced my need for immediate gratification in all aspects so that I would seem irritable often. The irritability carried over to my home life and for that I am ever regretful. However, now that I am sober I am finding my patience is returning and that my post acute withdraw is lessening by the day. I attribute this to fully engulfing myself in my recovery. I go to meetings daily, talk to my sponsor and other alcoholics with a lot of sobriety. I am fully committed to this design for living and it is paying off.

David j

meetings

I continue to struggle with writing daily, but I will try and at least write as often as possible. I attempted to go to a meeting on 3/1 but there were some problems. First, I had to catch a bus that I was not familiar with and plan out some timing so I could make it at the 6pm that it supposedly started. So I did this and after walking a few blocks managed to get there early. There were 2 women at the meeting portion of the Alano club who were sitting and smoking, so I sat down and read the monthly newsletter from front to back. I waited until 6pm before I noticed the sign that said there was an NA meeting at the scheduled time of the AA meeting. I was a bit frustrated as the meeting schedule for the area indicated otherwise. I decided to make the best of it and wait the half hour for the AA meeting. However, I noticed that as people trickled in for the meeting, they were smoking. I am not a smoker and did not want to sit through an hour and a half meeting with lots of smoke so I gave up and left. Jumped to bus and headed towards another preplanned destination and continued with the rest of my evening.

On 3/2 I attended a book study which was good. It was only an hour and I was able to make it over to the recovery store to pick up a 12x12 miniature for me to tote around, for these days I try to travel light. Again I got frustrated at the situation when the store clerk said I had to spend $10 to use my credit card and I was about $4 short. “your killin me” I stated and searched around for something else to purchase in order to meet the criteria. I picked up a big book dictionary for $6 and this would surely put me over the mark and I had been meaning to pick one up anyway. Still, I hadn’t planned to pick one up today but it happens.

On 3/3 I attended my regular big book study. The place where it is held is actually quite nice. It is at a resort close to my house. A new age church rents space at the resort and one of the persons involved with the church leads a non affiliated AA big book study every Sunday evening. We are on chapter 3. There is a lot of sobriety in the meeting (less me), but it is a small meeting to say the least. Last week there was only 3 of us including the facilitator. This time there was 5 including the leader. I like it because it is small and very thorough. We go through a paragraph at a time and discuss relevancy every pause. Very cool.

Davidj

It works

This time around I put my faith in my Higher Power and I stayed sober when faced with a very stressful situation. This is my MO. When I have too much stress in my life I drink. Or I should say I had the obsession to drink. However, as someone stated in a meeting the other day when I shared about my stressful news, “you didn’t drink nor did you have a desire to….your obsession to drink has been lifted! I am proud of you for not drinking.” I was given an ultimatum at my work. Initially I was presented with the idea that a memo would be drafted up by the close of business 3/27 that stated I was not to return to work the next day. However, my supervisor and manager both were troubled by this and my manager immediately got on the phone with human resources and went to bat for me. Long story short, am able to work for the next 30 days with the condition that I would resign my position after which I agreed to. The decision was spur-of-the moment, but it needed to be made with urgency and I believe I made the right decision. The matter went to heads of departments and they all concluded that my accomplishments in my current employ were worth something and there was even a movement to try and get me into another position that although pays less, is still with the same company including the benefits (which is what I really am only concerned with at this point). Bottom line is I did not drink over any of this and shared at meetings the last couple of days. I felt relieved and overall better after each share. It really does work. David j