I had a discussion today with a counselor regarding my
ability to commit to things. In some respect I agreed with this counselor, but
in other respects I disagree. I have been committed to many things such as marriage,
being a father etc, but I recognize that my level of commitment has not always
been 100%. I believe this idea of half ass commitment was what my counselor was
referring to and as I said I am in agreement with this.
Nonetheless, I am wholeheartedly committing to my sobriety, my family and my marriage in that order. I realize that I need to be 100% committed as well as engaged in order for this stuff to work and maintain sobriety and steady positive relationships. I believe that one of the reasons I had a hard time with this in the past was due to my emotional immaturity which really bared itself over the last 5 years. Although I still disagree that I am a “man-child” I would agree that I have exhibit behaviors and mentalities consistent with immature and apathetic practices. However, I am learning to be more grown up in my engagement in AA.
Not only am I practicing sobriety physically, but also
mentally and emotionally as well. This is territory I have not ventured into in
many years. One of the things I attribute to this lack of maturity is my thoughts
about a sort of “mid-life” type crises or need to revel in my youthfulness. One
thing that makes it hard for me to discard this youthfulness is my physical
looks and attitude. If it were not for the grey in my beard I have been told
that I look as though I am many years younger than I actually am. As with
anything, there is good and bad to this observation. I would assure you the
reader that I am anything but vain or egocentric. I am just presenting facts
that have lead up to my drinking demise and legal/financial problems that seem
to have plagued the last few years of my life. I take full responsibility for
my actions and thinking regardless of the outcomes or what lies ahead.
David J
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